Sunday, July 7th. 6:30 PM
Last night there were rainstorms. The 20 year old tent will hold up against a fair bit of rain but it does become overwhelmed and will leak a bit in stormy weather. It’s been a very humid, very muggy day. The mosquitos and the slugs, the true terrors of this here campsite, love this environment.
A lot of stuff actually did dry out, today. Most of the dampness is gone from the pillow, the sleeping bag and the mattress. Everything that got wet from the pools of water in this tent have been restored; still a bit damp but no longer rotting.
In order to make it happen, it took a lot of shuffling things around, both inside and outside of the tent. Move this bag over here for 2 hours, dry out this spot; tip that bag up on its side to dry out the bottom; Repeat, Repeat.
Seems like a small victory but it will make a huge difference in my sleep quality, tonight. The tent is well organised, which feels good and will make things easier for tomorrow. The rain stopped earlier and the mosquitos relaxed. Drizzly and no sunshine but I did manage to have a bit of a bicycle ride anyway, as well as eat some meals and have some delicious coffee, all by 4 PM.
It’s been a very difficult week, struggling with some very difficult, emotional matters. Truth be told, I am trying just to survive and to keep deep depression at bay. I am deeply hurt and profoundly sad; stricken with grief, regret and worry. Just getting some exercise and successfully eating are huge wins, right now. The discomfort brought on by the damp and the bugs has not helped.
I am striving but struggling to build myself a safe home, by winter. I need a space to work, to build and create, to write and to study. I need a place where I can life my life the way it is meant to be. Maybe that will be a room in town for the winter, that might very well be fine. I am doing well right now, camping is fine but the worry and despair of homelessness definitely remains. There are many strains on my relationships, due to me and my situation but also from elsewhere; no matter what the case, this hurts badly.
My basic needs aren’t entirely met and I am battling depresson. I tried to distract myself from the pain for a few days last week. Everything came crashing in, this weekend, no doubt amplified by a bit of tobacco withdrawal. Lately I will bicycle 40 kM a day, pushing my body and my mind, trying to wear myself out; some days, trying to wear myself down. Sometimes trying to either numb myself or torment myself; usually enjoying the countryside, nonetheless.
Looking back on this past week, on work I’ve (not) accomplished, things do not look very successful. Hopefully there are achievements to consider other than work. I have worked, but wanted to do more. Rather, for me, this weekend has been a time for feeling and healing. So let’s look on the bright side, a bit.
For years, I’ve wanted to live again by tent and by bicycle, as I have for periods in the past, over 10 years ago now. It feels awesome to challenge myself, living in the woods and pushing the physical limits. It feels great to become strong like this, again. Yes it is a distraction but it is also constructive and probably great for the health!
Another thing I’ve wanted to do for the past 5 years is to go back to the library. I couldn’t go for years; subject to ridicule with my summer allergies, made to feel unwelcome, when not banned outright due to vaccination mandates. So I’ve made a habit of bicycling into town from the woods, many days a week, working from the library. Feels really great to finally feel welcome back into a public space.
The Library is a place where I can be productive, in a safe environment, without feeling the need to immediately flee; that can be a rare feeling to have, for some people. Sometimes I feel as though I have no safe place to go.
Thankfully, I can think of other places where I feel safe, that feel a lot like home to me. Some people have nothing close to a safe home and for those people I dearly hope and dream that public places like their local library will be hospitable to all.
Some days I am overwhelmed with sadness and then I do not eat as well as I ought to. In the not-so-distant past, keeping fed has been a serious issue but these days I am always eating something. Others feed me very well and many days I will cook, so it balances out well enough. Getting great nutrition, overall.
Another thing that has been new to me for the past number of month is that I sleep very well, 6 nights a week we shall say. Some weeks are still rough but seems to only be when life becomes really difficult. I have struggled most of my life with a variety of sleep disorders.
Right now, I have a great diet and get great exercise. I am becoming very fit.
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I share all of this for a number of reasons.
I think, I am trying to have a healthy self esteem, is one. I really do not mean to brag about my life and anyone who knows me, knows that my life is very fucked up, difficult and sometimes painful. I have made some big mistakes that have negatively impacted myself and the people around me. I am where I am today partly because of decisions I’ve made in the past; many I very much do not regret one bit; the ones I do regret most recently are the moves I’ve made that have caused others difficulty. I want people to know that I am trying my best to be at my very best but I will fall down a bit, for now.
Anybody who truly cares about me, need not worry too much though. Certainly, there are things that I could use some help with. I spend a lot of time alone and am rather alone with many things but I also spend an equal amount of time with good, caring friends.
Truth be told, I have already been through some hellish times in my life, with only myself to really rely upon to solve things. Friends matter though and at other times have helped me the most when things were at their worst.
I consider myself lucky to have people in my life who love me and help me feel valued and wanted, without expectations in return.
I try to live as well as I can under these difficult circumstances. I have been homeless for 3 years and I am very tired of that and I am in some pain but I am also choosing to live through it as beautifully as I can.
Choosing carefully who I spend my time with, too; who inspire each other to be beautiful. who are considerate toward each other, feeling valued and welcomed. who work on things well together and grow.
I have lots of good things going on in my life and good people in it. I am blessed and thankful for the people out there who care about each other.
There are people in my life whom I love and care about and who probably love and care about me too but I simply cannot be around because I do not trust that they will mostly make me feel good. I want to work on my relationship with all of you but can it please wait? You all I speak of here know how messed up things are between each of us. I am very sorry that things are so dire in my life right now that I can’t fix all of this. I need to focus and I need to be careful of my own emotional well being; my life truly does depend upon it, right now. I hope that is well enough understood and well enough accepted. I am sure in some cases it won’t be.
Please accept though, that perhaps writing here as such is working on our relationship with each other; I do see it this way, in a way that feels safe for me. I also need to write and share, a basic need of mine that I haven’t been practicing.
However that might make me appear to you. Comment below, let’s see how it goes.
7:30 PM
For a beautiful contrast this evening, the sun is actually shining right this moment, through the leaves, the shadows dancing on the tent’s rain fly. The air is clear and cooling down. The solar panel is sitting on the roof of the tent, still catching a charge.
This may be a great habit to form; writing an article, each day, perhaps after supper time. Maybe with fewer pictures, those are a lot of work to add. I did write a batch script this evening to quickly normalize the white balance and colours.
It could be best to eat simply; to eat those $2 chicken strips from the supermarket, the days I go to town. To try to eat salads a couple nights a week, at the camp, to save time cooking; to balance out the salty supermarket chicken. Best to cook a meal once a week, too; vegetarian lentil soup can go unrefridgerated for a day and reheated (safety disclaimer: do not try this at home, could be considered dangerous neglectful advice but I have been and will be doing it anyway).
Best to be inside this tent by 6 PM most nights, maybe even 4:30 like tonight.
8:30 PM
It has been a gorgeous evening. Dirt bikes are driving by right this minute; they do frighten me. I am ready to defend myself against beast or man, I really hope that I do not have to, I am hiding away as best I can. I don’t think there are any such dangers, they would have been evident by now. A few rabbits around and maybe some deer. Don’t think I am bothering anyone by being here. Keeping a pretty clean site. Gonna have to dig a hole and bury some shit, eventually. There is a little compost pit coming together up here.
